The Truth about Starting Over

When I left New York City and returned to London in 2015, I came back with nothing but a knowing that I needed to be there to care for my Gran who had just had a nasty fall.

Three and half years had passed and I was returning with no money, nowhere to live, no job, and to make matters worse, I wasn’t the same person. I couldn’t just slip back in to the life I’d lived before - I was in limbo. 

I’d discovered new parts of myself in NYC and I’d changed, but there I was, back in the environment I’d left behind - where everything seemed exactly the same!

It was the hardest starting over I’ve ever had to do and in a nutshell, starting over, sucked.

Living in New York City wasn’t easy but it was promising

I’d invested time, energy and emotion in to that life. I had hopes and dreams for the trajectory of what that life could’ve become, which inspired and motivated me. Having to start over felt like a waste - like landing on a snake in the game ‘Snakes and Ladders’ and sliding right back to the beginning.

It was hard to adjust; my ripped jeans weren’t cool in London, instead, I was made fun of in the South London streets (literally a stranger laughed at me and asked if I’d fallen over), the 24hr buzz and raw creativity I’d become accustomed to, seemed hidden in London and when I did see glimpses, it just wasn’t like New York.

I knew for sure that I was where I was meant to be but I couldn’t help feeling like I’d wasted more years of my life and had no idea where Life was leading me next. My mental health was in pieces and the only thing that kept me going was a belief that one day, when my Gran was better, I’d get back to NYC and pick up where I’d left off.

I didn’t expect that in two years, Life would show me so much about my ‘starting over’ in that season, that when that moment came for me to decide whether to go back to New York or not, I’d realise that I’d outgrown that life too.

In this article I’ll be sharing the five truths I learnt about starting over. These are the truths that make it an exciting opportunity rather than something to dread and avoid.

Starting over isn’t really starting over

Have you ever played Super Mario brothers or any of those video games where you overcome all the challenges on the journey to the dark cave, successfully defeat the big boss at the end, grab a flag and celebrate for a moment, only to reappear at a new level that looks very similar to where you were when you started at the previous level?

Yes, I have too. And that is exactly what starting over is like. It often looks and feels like we’ve made no progress, wasted time and resource and ended up right back at square one. However, I discovered that in the overall game of life, just like that video game, we’ve actually moved on to the start of the next level.

When we understand that every time we feel like we’re starting over, we’ve simply completed the previous level and graduated to the next, we can avoid the regret and discouragement that often makes us feel like we’ve failed. Instead of getting down on ourselves and allowing negative beliefs to flood our minds, we can see starting over as a celebration of moving on rather than falling back.

Starting over is an opportunity to shed old skin

The human body, made up of trillions of cells, is in a constant state of flux. Our cells and organs renew at varying rates, so imagine, if our bodies do that automatically, maybe starting over is an opportunity to let go of the old us, lighten the load and step in to the new. Starting over doesn’t have to be a negative experience if we see it as an opportunity to refresh who we are and embrace life in a new brighter way.

Starting over is necessary

Sometimes it’s voluntary and we’re all in, knowing that we’re ready and open to the new. Other times it comes out of left field - something happens unexpectedly, a door closes and we’re forced to walk through another.

We’re creatures of comfort so of course starting over doesn’t always feel good, but that doesn’t mean it’s not good for us.

The only constant is change and while starting over may not be our choice, it’s necessary for us if we’re going to continue growing and evolving in life.

Starting over is as hard as the force with which we resist

I don’t know why Life doesn’t just leave us alone when we say; “no thanks I don’t want to grow or evolve. I’m happy here in my comfort zone”. Maybe Life just loves us too much to leave us that way. I mean, could you imagine seeing an adult crawling, not because of a medical or physical reason but simply because they decided as a baby that they were happy and comfortable as they were and didn’t want to go through the process of starting over on their, preferring instead to stay on their knees? 

What I do know is that Life will continue to reroute us so that we find ourselves at the same point until we decide to accept the new. The more we resist, the longer and harder that process becomes - that’s more uncomfortable than if we surrender and go with the change.

Starting over is a daily gift

When we think of starting over it’s easy to think of major life events and changes that require a complete shift and new start. The truth is we’re given the gift of starting over, every single day. In the small habits, steps and life that we live every day we get to start over and over and over.

Every day is also an opportunity to resist and keep doing things that we know are not working the way they used to - we get to choose if or how we want this period to be different to the previous one. We get to choose what we do with this new day we’ve been given. We get to leave yesterday where it is and focus on today. What did we learn yesterday that will help us to start fresh today?

For many people the mundane, everyday, seems insignificant. We want to take on the huge mountain but there’s something I used to think about when I didn’t have money for the subway in New York - I have two feet and legs that work (Praise God!) and if I simply put one of those in front of the other repeatedly I will reach the destination I want to get to. It might take longer, I might be more tired than if I was sitting on the subway, but I’ll get there.

Starting over is a gift that we get to open and explore each day. 

Returning to London was the start I needed

The day when I arrived back to London, my Mum and brother were there for the summer too. They met me at the airport and now that I look back in hindsight, I see that it was significant and special for them to be there - they weren’t just welcoming me back, but welcoming me in to the new. 

New York City had taught me so much. It had changed me and given me an experience that I’d remember forever. But, Life had honoured my mission - to find a life that reflected who I really was rather than who the world said I should be. 

In that starting over I was being who I really was - a girl who loves her Gran and immediate family more than anything. I didn’t know the details, but I knew my heart was leading me to the most important thing - not leaving my Gran in the hands of carers but being present and being there for her just as she’d always been there for me. 

As I focused on that one thing, everything else fell in to place. I got somewhere to live, I got a job and then I got another one. I paid off debts and built up my savings. I still struggled with accepting the unknown and had moments of panic, but by the time my Gran passed away in 2017, although I still didn’t know where I was heading, I knew for sure that going back to New York City wasn’t the direction I wanted or needed to take.

I now fly to JFK and it’s a different feeling

When I operate flights to JFK, it’s nice to catch up with friends but I often find myself walking through the streets unable to believe that I ever lived there or that at one point I desperately wanted to go back. I also find it incredible to feel zero desire to ever live there again.

Starting over reveals the treasure in the end

We don’t always like to start over, however when we embrace the process and take baby steps in to the unknown, eventually it’ll reveal why it was the perfect next step for us. It’ll show us why Life would’ve been failing us if it had left us where we were.

I’m still living the big picture of starting over after my return to London, but within that I’ve had to start over when my Gran passed away, when COVID came and lockdown changed daily life, when I started flying for Virgin Atlantic and even as I share these articles with you, I’m starting over in my writing.

We might not see the plan, the full staircase or the end of the road when we start over, but I can assure you that in the end the treasure always reveals itself. Resist and fight it and you might just miss it, so be strong and courageously flow with it - it’ll never disappoint.

Also remember…

When starting over … You’re not starting from scratch, you’re starting from experience.

Perfection and Publishers are Overrated

Back in my mid twenties while I wandered like a lost lamb in search of a plan B career, I attended an Introduction to Publishing course at the London College of Communication in Elephant and Castle.

As I walked outside at the end of the day with my attendance certificate in hand, I had one thought - I’m not going to do it anything like that. I don’t know what motivated me to attend and I don’t recall having my sights set on publishing books, I was just exploring the things that interested me and this was obviously one of them.

Self-publishing The Worst Book I’ll Ever Write, proved to me that perfection and publishers are overrated, and that’s the belief that continues to drive how I write now.

I wrote The Worst Book I’ll Ever Write, for me

I didn’t write it for an audience, I didn’t write it to become a best-selling author, I wrote it to encourage myself. I was twenty-nine years old, felt like a failure and didn’t know what I was doing with my life. Publishing wasn’t on my to-do list, I just wanted to believe in myself again.

I used Amazon’s self-publishing platform simply because it was the most accessible way for me to turn what I’d written, in to a book. It’d been a long time since I’d felt a sense of accomplishment and when I held the book in my hands for the first time, I found a renewed hope in my ability to accomplish stuff.

I didn’t care who read it or who liked it, its success was already in how it had lifted my Spirit. It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t what I believed a good book should be and that’s exactly what I’d set out to achieve - my own perfectly, imperfect book.

The surprise was how much other people liked it

Whatever had been woven in to the book to encourage myself, clearly resonated and connected with others too. Apparently it was motivational, inspiring and my message wasn’t just applicable to people wanting to write books, but to anyone wanting to get things done.

It was feedback from readers that revealed the true depth of what I’d created and not only did that encourage me even more, but it showed me parts of my creative Self and my writing style that I’d not seen before.

It was like readers had held up a mirror and my book was teaching me about myself.

I’d always been writing but never wanted to be an Author

Writing had always been my safe space; the place where the silence of the written word allowed me to express myself fearlessly in a world that felt dangerous. I had no desire to open the door and share that space with others, nor did I want to create a career from it. Somehow though, Life had nudged me to crack it open and as I did, a whole world opened up.

The Worst Book I’ll Ever Write made me an Author and although I didn’t truly understand what that meant, I walked in it. Writing more books, scripts, web copy, magazine articles, coaching others to write, running workshops and giving talks, I surrendered to the exploration of writing as a career. I didn’t know where it would lead but it gave some purpose to my wandering.

When the message dropped, it revived my confidence

It was during a time of pause and reflection that I took a deep dive in to the experience I’d had before and after publishing The Worst Book I’ll Ever Write. Effortlessly, I discovered the message at the heart of it all - perfection and publishers are overrated. I’d seen and experienced the value in imperfection and I understood why I didn’t need the approval or interference of a publisher to express myself through the written word.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to aim for excellence or that I believe publishers didn’t have a role in amplifying the volume of an author’s voice or expanding its reach, but I knew for sure that these things were not as important as the expression of a pure, raw, real message that came from the heart. I knew for sure that I wanted to be an Author writing to the beat of my own heart, rather than bound by a contract to produce work that pleased others.

I’d never wanted to fit in a box or follow the crowds and becoming the Author of The Worst Book I’ll Ever Write reminded me that woven in to my being is a desire to go against the grain, is a knowing that the way things are, isn’t always the way they have to be. Creating my imperfect book to drive home the message that a book doesn’t have to be perfect to be successful, was really the niche version of my message to the world - that we don’t have to be perfect to show up and be successful in our lives.

My book wasn’t a success because a Publisher agreed to publish it, nor was it a success because it was perfectly written, sold millions and won awards, it was a success because I’d done it - shown up and expressed myself. It’s as simple as that.

None of us need permission or approval to show up in our lives; if no one claps or cheers for us, it doesn’t matter because the reward is knowing we did it.

Being an Author isn’t my career, it’s my way of life

It’s how I learn more about myself and the world around me, gaining clarity. A book idea is usually just the first step in my creative process and is a channel to express what’s already been churning away in my thoughts and my heart. When I’m happy or sad, when I’m fearful or courageous, I write - not always publicly, but always for me. What flows in to a book from that, is simply the outcome of making sense of it all.

I’ve spent many years rejecting the power in my ability to write and there was a period of time when I refused, rebelliously, to write anything, even in my journal. If I didn’t write then I didn’t have anything to share and if I didn’t have anything to share then I didn’t have to be vulnerable. What I quickly realised was that while my journals were shut and gathering dust on my shelf, I was generating thousands of notes on my phone - I couldn’t not write. Writing isn’t something I choose, it’s something that chooses me.

Writing is the gift I’ve been given to show up in the world and that gift is perfect in its imperfection, needing no approval. We all have different gifts but there’s one gift we’ve all been given: Life. Our life is perfect in its imperfection and none of us need approval to show up and own the life we’ve been given.

So, do it for you, imperfectly and unapologetically - you deserve it.

Long Haul Cabin Crew: There's no job like it

Last week I was in Atlanta, this week I’m in Barbados. I’ve already worked with more people in the last year than I have throughout my entire working life. When I take a moment to look through my office window, I see clouds, real ones. This is not your normal job. There’s no job like it - a phrase I hear echoed among crew regularly.

Every job has its pros and cons but even the crew who express unhappiness at times, still submit to the fact that they’d never find another job like this.

That’s because being Cabin Crew is different, it’s not just a job, it’s a lifestyle.

In my LinkedIn profile I summarise what I believe to be the main purpose of my role:

Ensuring safety and security of passengers, aircraft and crew and making passengers comfortable.

But in this article I’ll give you a glimpse behind the scenes in to the lifestyle that sets this job apart.

It’s Long Haul

I operate long flights (usually over 6hrs, with a couple of exceptions) and stay in a hotel for one or two nights (maybe more, if I pick up the prized trips), then fly back home again. As such, the destinations are further afield e.g. USA, Africa, Asia, Caribbean.

Unlike short haul, working long haul means aircraft tend to be larger, there’re more crew on each flight, longer flight times, less take-off and landings and unless I’m on a return flight home, I don’t sleep in my own bed at the end of a working day/night.

To the passengers on the 11hr Vegas who ask if I’m going straight back home, I hope this clarifies.

I get to travel to some bucket list destinations around the world, but it’s not like going on holiday every few days, it’s still work. Let me be clear though, it’s certainly not the day to day office job I had before, where the only thing I had to look forward to at 5pm was a rush hour commute on the northern line. 

Roster Publication 

ROSTERS ARE OUT!! Facebook and WhatsApp groups blow up.

The day when monthly rosters are published and I discover when and where I’ll be flying, is the day I can plan the next month of my life; book that dentist appointment, arrange to meet friends, plan my writing days and meal prep.

It’s a dynamic life, impossible to plan too far in advance and I have to secretly admit that I love that for myself. It helps me to live in the now rather than living in my head too far into the future and there’s always an excitement when opening that roster pdf for the first time.

Days, Times and Destinations may vary

I don’t like spicy food but if variety is the spice of life and means escaping the monotony of the rat race and being where the crowds aren’t, then I raise my glass in celebration of spice. 

Whether it’s a sprinkle of a Monday landing day, a dash of an 8pm Thursday departure or a squeeze of a weekend in South Africa, my work routine is as unpredictable as I am and my mind absolutely loves it. 

Team Work builds Teams

Crew don’t need days of team building to get the job done. It’s a fascinating skill that I admire about us; we rock up for our trips, often meet most of our team for the first time during the briefing and within an hour we’re onboard, doing the work, together. It doesn’t mean we like or get on with everyone, but we do what we have to do. To receive excellent feedback is nothing short of a miracle given successful teamwork norms and models, but it’s who we are.

I could unpick the unusual circumstances and motivations of the job that make it easier to successfully work this way, but for now all I’ll say is that with the right incentive, people will rise to any challenge.

The Commute

Throughout my life, when I couldn’t jump on a plane and fly away, I’d take a visit to the airport. Whether I drove the 45mins to Gatwick on a Sunday afternoon to whizz around the roundabout and go straight back home again, or took the long Piccadilly line tube to Heathrow for fun, going to the airport was an activity I enjoyed just as much as flying.

Commuting to the airport is still a commute to work, but the dread I used to feel when I worked in other places, doesn’t exist here. The journey taps in to a pleasure point that I developed as a child, so although I’m still going to work, it’s energising rather than draining.

The Red Uniform Energy

I’m proud to wear my uniform and red certainly stands out in a crowd. It has its drawbacks though; Just put a sign on my back that says; ‘Ask me anything’, or call me the ‘Information desk’, because I get asked random questions A LOT.

“Do you know where I can print my boarding pass at Madrid airport?”

Errrm no.

(We don’t even fly to Madrid)

I’m always aware that I represent the airline when I’m in my uniform, so I keep my sarcasm securely contained to my mind. Deep down I know that having core values that are aligned with the company (e.g. smiling, having a personality and service), makes it much easier to respond to the general public with kindness.

Unless of course you’re that lady peeping from behind the train seat asking me questions about my trip and how Richard Branson is doing, when I’ve just landed home from a full 9hr Orlando with no crew rest and I just want to make it to bed without speaking to a single soul. Yes lady, you - the one word answers were a hint that I wanted to be left alone.

Precious Sleep

Sleep has become a precious commodity. I don’t get to sleep between 10pm and 6am every night, nor do my hours fit a regular night shift routine either, but I make it work.

I’m often asked how I manage jet lag, going through so many time zones and the different hours I fly. My answer is always the same; when I’m not working, I’m resting. I’m fortunate to currently be single, child-free and have no pets or plants who need my attention when I’m home, so I listen to my body and rest as much as possible.

When I’m away, I still rest. I’m that crew member who has more chilled trips than anything else. I’ve travelled to and had holidays in many of the destinations we fly to, so I don’t have FOMO (Fear of missing out) and I value my health (and sleep) more than getting the shots for social media.

Crew Rest

I confess, until I became cabin crew I didn’t even think about where crew went to rest. Did they rest? It didn’t even cross my mind. It was therefore hugely insightful to find out during training that there were bunks where crew could go and lay down to sleep during a flight. 

After that shock, I saw pictures of what these bunks looked like and my shock turned to horror. There’s no way I could lay down in that coffin sized bed, too claustrophobic for me was what I thought. The feeling didn’t change when I saw them in real life on our aircraft visit during training either. That was a point when I reconsidered my career choice.

Needless to say, after two flights, 3am at 38,000ft, tired with nowhere else to go, I was thankful for a bunk and went out like a light - claustrophobia hasn’t been a problem since.

Downroute

Whether it’s 18hrs, 24hrs or 72hrs, being downroute is the time we spend in the destinations we fly to. It’s free time. It’s our time to use as we wish as long as we’re fit to fly back home again. 

There are so many reasons why crew fly and just as many ways to use our time downroute. I’ve already told you that I use most of my time to chill, relax and sleep, but there are some trips (New York City and Atlanta especially) that allow me to spend time with friends and family who live around the world.

In February I worked to Atlanta on my Mum’s birthday and got to celebrate with her and our family there. It’s also been nice to be present for small but significant moments too; like the time I arrived in New York City on the day my friend landed a new client and we were able to go for dinner to celebrate.

Being downroute is whatever you want it to be and it’s the type of reward not many jobs can offer.

Hotel Life

I spend half, if not more, of every month in a hotel that I don’t have to pay for. I’ve learned tips and tricks, like turning off the AC so I don’t turn in to an ice sculpture, checking cupboards, under the bed and behind the shower curtain for strangers when I arrive at my room, and immediately removing decorative pillows and throws - do we really believe they get washed after every use?

It’s not home and if I thought about the hundreds (possibly thousands) of people who’ve slept in the beds before me, I’d quit. So to keep doing this job, I have to trust in the work ethic of the cleaners and my pack of lemony fresh multi surface wipes. I also think about the benefits - I get a regular change of scenery, I love a powerful walk-in shower and the minimalist environment in a hotel room is great for thinking and writing.

For some, this lifestyle would be unsettling, but it works for me.

Packing

You’d think that if I did something over and over, eventually I’d get used to it, right? Wrong! Packing is the bane of my working life. I didn’t enjoy it before I started working as crew and doing it every few days hasn’t helped. I’ve tried packing cubes, I’ve tried packing in advance and I now ignore it for as long as possible.

Let me also mention living out of a suitcase. I’m a fan of my suitcases, but one of the joys of annual leave and staying at home, is putting my suitcase away, using full size toiletries and choosing clothes from my wardrobe. Simple things. 

Landing Day

Yes, it’s a crew thing; it’s the day I land back from a trip. It’s still a work day but once I leave the aircraft, my work is done. That could be at 5am or 8pm, it just depends on the arrival time of the flight. 

I know some people who land and go out, land and go to the gym or land and have parental duties to take care of. I’m not those people because in my world, landing day is about sleep, water, food, self care and more sleep. I’ve just started stretching my limits to go for a short walk but that’s only because the weather has been enticing me - last week I was walking in shorts and a T-shirt … outside!

My landing day routine helps to get me back on UK time quicker. My eye mask makes it easier to sleep and drinking lots of water rehydrates my body. In a job with very little routine, it’s important to find it somewhere.

Standby

If the job wasn’t unpredictable enough, standby takes all of that and tosses it in to a sizzling wok. It’s not what I really want to see on my roster to be honest. It’s like a raffle; waiting on the day to find out if I’ll be called to work and if I am, what flight I’ll be on. It could be any flight in a 6hr period (normally) and if called, guess who has to get to the airport in 2hrs? Moi. 

Sometimes standby delivers a treat, like a 3 night trip to Barbados, but the waiting and anticipation of having to make the dash to the airport, keeps me on my toes. 

The Bun

Only last week a passenger in 57K stopped me mid-meal service to ask if the ‘bun’ was compulsory. I wasn’t quite sure what she meant but when she gestured to her hair, I understood. I explained that although we don’t have to wear a bun, if our hair is a certain length, we need to put it up.

I have big, curly hair most of the time and I love to let it wild and free. That’s obviously a fire and hygiene hazard at work so the bun is easy to do on repeat. Ms 57K, thank you for noticing our efforts with the bun. 

Truly, there’s no job like it

Yesterday I operated a shuttle flight between Barbados and Antigua and tonight I’ll be taking a full plane home to London Heathrow. My Caribbean preference means that I’m here often - I’ll be back next week. It all looks glamorous to the observers eye and it’s true that the lifestyle offers a huge reward you won’t find anywhere else, however, there’s still a job to do on those flights and exhaustion is real. 

Crew leave flying like employees leave every other job and industry and they do it for a wealth of different reasons. When that time comes for me, I won’t be looking for anything that compares to this because as you might have gathered by now, there’s no job like it. 

Although keeping people and property safe while delivering excellent customer service isn’t anything new, the long haul cabin crew lifestyle adds the spark that has its challenges but is the very reason that it remains an attractive career to so many.

Six Essentials of Authenticity

In February 2012, a month before my 30th birthday, I packed up my life and boarded a plane to New York City. I was taking off in search of a life that reflected who I really was rather than who the world said I should be.

I didn’t know how I was gonna do that, what it’d look like or how I was gonna get there, but what I did know was that how I was being, what I was doing and how I was feeling, wasn’t what I wanted.

In this article I’ll be sharing Six Essentials of Authenticity. I discovered these along my way and they’ve led me to a life that reflects who I really am, more and more each day. If you value authenticity too, join me and let’s go through them together.

First up is an essential that seems so simple but often gets forgotten or compromised.

Know Yourself

How can we be authentic if we don’t know who we really are? And how can we recognise or create a life that reflects who we really are if we don’t know who we really are?

This is where everything starts - from our own reflection. We always need to be asking; who am I, really?

There are two important aspects to knowing ourselves:

SELF-AWARENESS and IDENTITY

In it’s simplest form, or maybe it’s just how my brain works, I often think of them like company accounts; the balance sheet reports a snap shot of a company’s state at a given point whereas a profit and loss statement summarises what’s taken place during a specific period of time.

Like a balance sheet, self-awareness is seeing ourselves at a specific moment. This is not permanent, it may not even be how we were yesterday, last week or last month, but it is where we are at this point in time. Perhaps a situation caused us to react in a certain way and exposed part of ourselves we never knew was there. It can change with wisdom, experience, knowledge, choices and external events, but being self-aware is having the ability and courage to see ourselves for who we are at any given moment.

Identity on the other hand is like the profit and loss statement, summarising activity over a period of time to provide information that we can take forward. When we’ve been through a season, experience or event, who are we now? What has that period taught us about ourselves and which parts do we now choose to own as we go forward in our lives?

Self-awareness is about learning (who am I being today and do I want to be that way?). Identity is about ownership (based on what I’ve learned about myself, this is who I choose to be going forward)

In a season, we may even discover new depths to our identity that we didn’t see or understand before. For example, I discovered after spending a few years in the USA that although I’m a Black woman, being a Black British woman is different to being a Black African-American woman (an important conversation for another day).

To live authentically we must know who we are in any given moment but also know those parts of ourselves that form who we choose to be going forward. When I said I was going to search for a life that reflected who I really was, I had to understand that the emphasis in that statement had to be finding out who I really was.

Ok, so next, we have the second essential

Know what you want

If we want a life that reflects who we are and to be authentic in that life, we must be honest with ourselves about what we want.

Let me ask you then: What do you want, really?

Other people will have ideas and opinions, we might even convince ourselves to want what we think we should want, but that’s not where authentic living or being is found.

It must come from the honest, truthful place within each of us.

There’s an important reason why we must know what we want, even if we choose not to pursue it; truth and authenticity walk together through Life and you can’t have one without the other. Knowing what we want doesn’t mean we have to go for it, but it does mean we open the door to truth in our lives and that brings authenticity along whichever path we then choose to walk.

Authenticity is powerful - it aligns us with Life and attracts all that we need rather than us having to chase and run after it. The byproduct of that? Peace.

Once I started to connect with what I wanted - really wanted - and wrote it down, Life led me to people, experiences and brought the resources I needed to make those things happen. Aligning with Life (the Life in us) also provides the help we need to overcome the obstacles that invariably come up along our path.

Living an authentic life of meaning and fulfilment comes from within, not from what others think is best or right for us, so let’s take the time to regularly check in and ask ourselves what we want, really.

Now, I can’t emphasise just how important this next essential is. It’s not always easy to do but to fully walk in to the future authentically we must embrace it.

Make Peace with your Past

I used to believe that the way to move on in life, especially from challenging situations, was to let go of the past. However, I’ve come to realise that we can end up stuck in the activity of letting go without actually letting go. It’s more effective to use that time and energy to make peace with the past and here’s why…

I can tell you from experience that life uses the past to help us move forward - in that past lies exactly what we need in order to know ourselves and what we want, better. I call them gems and it takes honest reflection, acceptance and gratitude to gather them and walk in to the future. It’s like eating the meat and throwing away the bones (unless you don’t eat meat, in which case maybe eat the banana and throw away the skin?). Many things need to remain in the past, but we must remember to take the gems with us.

Gratitude is such an important element of peace. The past is what it is and whether it’s a past we willingly moved on from or not, its gone and is no longer our present or future. Be thankful for it, releasing any shame, bitterness, hurt, regret, all the emotions that can create roadblocks and heavy baggage on the way to where we’re going. Face it without judgement and learn the lessons, gain the wisdom and gather the gems to help us move forward in a life of authenticity.

Living authentically is freeing, we get to own every part of ourselves and our life, even the past. We don’t have to avoid it or fear it, we face it without judgment and that leaves us lighter and energised to receive the opportunities of the present.

Another essential area we must make peace with, is the process.

Make Peace with the Process

Life is wiser than we can ever imagine and often in the process of learning who we are, what we really want and making peace with our past, it’ll bring us exactly what we need to get there. We can romanticise the process, but the preparation and character building required to live authentically and enjoy and maintain that life, isn’t for the weak.

We go through situations and circumstances that I’m sure many of us would prefer not to, however when we understand the purpose of the process, we can make peace with it, rest in the storms that come our way, all while truthfully feeling what we feel. Having this peace is the path of least resistance - trust me, I know how to resist and learned many lessons the hard way because of it.

I met a stranger at the airport one day who asked me if I had any problems in that very moment. I said no, to which he responded that in my problem-free moment I’d receive the answer to get to the next moment and then the moment after that and so on. The peace in each moment of the process will attract everything we need to move through it - so let’s not fight it, but surrender to it.

Ok, we’re nearly there, two more to go. Just as I’ve explained why letting go of the past isn’t helpful, I’m going to explain why we must still…

Let Go

In this context I’m talking about letting go of expectations - how we think things should work out, what it should look like and how long it should take. Instead, we must trust that Life has got our backs - it’s the greatest navigator - it’s often that gut feeling, intuition and instinct we can’t explain. When we let go, we’re trusting that it will guide and direct us exactly where we’re meant to go and lead us in to the actions we’re meant to take.

When we’re not trying to control what or how things happen, we have more focus and energy on being authentic in the moments. Those moments lead to life - real life. No people pleasing, no manipulating events or getting frustrated, just letting go and allowing life to play out.

I see our lives like stories woven in to our very being and when we set it to play, release and let it go, the story writes itself through us.

I have reams of examples in my life where this has happened but in keeping with where I am now, here’s a recent example:

Seven days before I saw the advert for the cabin crew job at Virgin Atlantic, I’d sat down and cried. I’d admitted how disappointed I felt about never having achieved my flying dreams or even working for an airline at all. I was tired of holding in the disappointment and pretending it didn’t matter. I was honest, I cried, but I was ready to release it, give my full attention to what I did have - a gift to write - and go all in as an author. Seven days later I saw that recruitment ad and here I am now with a year of flying under my belt at the airline I’d wanted to work in.

Trust Life. It’s working for our good!

Right, here we are, the sixth and final essential

The External Test

Ultimately the external, everything outside of ourselves, is just testing our progress with the other five essentials and providing valuable feedback about where we are in any given moment. If we’re open to it we can reflect, adjust and move on to the next.

People and circumstances will test who we say we are, what we say we want, whether we’ve made peace with the past, how we’re going through the process and whether we’ve really let go and surrendered to Life. The external is a wonderful tool that keeps us heading in the right direction even when we make wild detours and have to navigate back on track.

Wherever we find ourselves is exactly where we need to be in this moment. If we feel stuck, frustrated, annoyed, alone, upset, hurt, trapped, confused or any of those emotions we often label as bad, this is an essential part of creating a life that reflects who we really are. It’s not just the bad emotions that create our life either, there will be moments of happiness, joy, gratitude and excitement too - it’s called balance.

So go on, live authentically, live it all.

Because being authentic isn’t some destination to arrive at or goal to achieve, it’s an everyday lifestyle and state that over time creates our life. When I think of authenticity I remember a quote I saw on the front of a colouring book. It said:

A line is just a dot that went for a walk.

Our lives become a reflection of who we are over a period of time - our lifetime. If we want to create a life that reflects who we really are and live it authentically, then we must be authentic and take our authentic selves for a walk through time. Remember, authenticity doesn’t mean we’re the same all the time, it means we’re the truest and most authentic we can be in every moment.

I’m living a life that reflects who I really am more and more each day. My life continues to evolve because each day I discover more about myself. I’m light years away from the person I thought I was ten years ago and I’m sure I’ll say the same in another 10 yrs. Being authentic isn’t about staying the same, it’s about showing up in our truest form today and doing that everyday of our lives.

Black Girls Fly, Period

A year ago, Virgin Atlantic presented me with wings. They gave me permission to walk through their door in to a flying career I love. It was a dream come true.

I’ve posted updates along the way but what I haven’t spoken much about is the discovery I made in that first month of flying.

Each trip was an opportunity to face challenges, learn, increase self-awareness and revel in joy, but having the opportunity to sit and speak with flight crew, the pilots I’d once looked up to in awe, changed so much for me. I was surprised by their genuine encouragement to revive my pursuit of becoming a pilot and flying planes, this was echoed for many months afterwards too.

The encouragement I was receiving and the access I now had to those doing the job I’d wanted to do, was appreciated, but it was thirty years too late. Why? Because I knew in my heart that I no longer wanted to fly planes.

Virgin Atlantic had given me wings and with some commitment and dedication I truly believed what these pilots were telling me; it wasn’t too late to take my career to the next level and get those pilot wings. But Life had taught me too much - it’d proven to me that I already had wings and that I’d been flying, already.

Hello, I’m Anny.

I’m Cabin Crew at Virgin Atlantic, I’m an Author of Books (and my Life) and I think I’ve finally swallowed the hard pill to understanding that I wasn’t born to fit in, follow the crowd or live a life that reads like a textbook.

For most of my life I believed the textbook route to living life was the only acceptable way and if I wanted to be successful then that was the route to take - I tried hard, I really did - but my heart and mind didn’t seem to ever want to comply. I’m impulsive, I get bored easily, I’ve always been a bit (ok, maybe alot) intolerant of fake people and implode with the overwhelming amount of ideas, thoughts and observations my brain processes on a daily basis. I’m also extremely empathetic, obsessively focused and determined if my heart is truly in something, and spiritually connected in a way I thought was normal but realise I’m probably just a bit weird.

I do formal if I have to, but plan to outsource that to AI very soon and I can break out into Disney song at random moments. I’ve been told that I’m a mess, I’ve been laughed at for my grand visions and very few people seem to ‘get me’. I’ve spent a lot of the last eight years battling with the insecurity in my mind that no one likes me, everyone hates me and I should just go and eat worms. It sounds very real and plausible but I know it can’t be true because not only would I never eat worms, but Life has repeatedly been faithful in bringing wonderful people alongside me to encourage and empower - reminding me that I am enough just the way I am.

I now have a flying office, work in the clouds and write books about my mess of a life. You can’t make this stuff up!

In all seriousness, I call my life a mess, but honestly it’s the most precious piece of art I’ve ever created and as challenging as it’s been, I honour living in brown skin for the artist it’s allowed me to become.

I recently spent some time in the Cayman Islands writing a book about becoming cabin crew and reflecting on the specific parts of my life that have led me here. I got to a chapter I’ve provisionally titled “Black Girls Fly” and sat down with my notes, prepared to speak about what it’s been like to be a Black cabin crew member and what I wanted people to know about my experience. I started writing, but stopped.

The words that followed were accompanied by a satisfying exhale:

I’m not going to.

I’m tired.

I’m not going to dedicate additional real estate in this book to educate, inform or bare my soul to people about my experience as a Black person again. I don’t want to.

And that’s the truth. Being Black and being an ambitious Black person is tiring. I’ve created art from it, a life I’m proud of, but I want to enjoy that art rather than pick it apart through the white eyed microscope of ‘tell us what we need to do, to be better.’ No thank you. I opt out.

What I chose to do instead was write a message of encouragement and empowerment to other Black girls.

Because if there’s anything I’ve learned about being a Black girl who wanted to fly from the age of eight, it’s that wanting to fly planes was the limited, boxed version of what I was truly capable of.

I thought I was being held back, but instead I was being set free.

I used to be disappointed that I’d never achieved the monumental promotion to left hand seat in the flight deck, four stripes on my shoulders and the title Captain for my LinkedIn profile, but not anymore. I was born for more, I was born to use my God-given wings to fly - I was born for freedom, flying in the wind, and that’s exactly what I’ve done. Black Girls Fly, Period.

My life looks like a mess to some and I’m probably not a ‘vibe’ to many, but I love that the most predictable thing about me is that you can’t predict anything. This morning I had no plans to write or post this article, but here I am.

I love my job, but more than that, I love my life. I love my life but more than that, I love my ability to create. I love to create, but more than that, I love my freedom - to simply be me.

Work is changing, business is changing, technology is changing. But I Am.

We can grapple with the questions: Where do my gifts, talents and goals fit in this changing world? It’s all moving so fast, how do I keep up? The answer is: I don’t. You don’t. We don’t.

I have a mind-blowing strategy I use frequently: I lay on my bed in quiet, look at the ceiling and be present in that moment. That’s where I find peace and in that peace I find the way to keep up - be still and know who I am. When I do that, everything slows down and a reassurance rises up in me to trust and know that what is for me will step out of the flurry and find it’s way to me.

On 25th May 2022 when those wings were handed to me, I was over the moon. I wore a permanent smile, was excited for my first flight and couldn’t believe it was happening. I had many moments when I sat on my bed thinking, how did I get here? I’d persevered for over thirty years and in less than four months I’d been transported from disappointment to living the dream - is that what they call overnight success?

It reminded me of 2012; I’d packed up, left London and was sitting alone in my friend’s Manhattan apartment that first night in New York City. Looking at the Empire State Building through the window, I thought to myself; how did I get here? That moment was different though, I’d never dreamed of living in New York City. I wondered, Why me? Surely someone else has this on their vision board?

The art of creating my life has never been to follow logic or the way it’s always been done (as if I’m colouring by numbers) because deep down I’ve always known that the artsy part of creating has little to do with conscious action and a whole lot to do with stepping out of my own way so intuition and heart can flow, lead and attract everything I need.

The creating continues.

After a six week break from work, I’m now looking forward to putting my red shoes back on, clicking my heels together and repeating the words, “there’s no place like home.”

This Black girl was born to fly and that’s what I do best - the sky is not my limit, it’s my home.

I want the Ocean, not Marriage

It almost happened twice, with two different men - marriage.

The first time, I nipped it in the bud before he asked me in front of family and friends. The second time I said yes, but with time realised it wasn’t real or healthy, for either of us.

I’d always said to myself that if I ever got married, I didn’t want to get to that day with a single doubt and in both of those situations, the turning in my gut spoke louder than any words.

I watched the sunset in Barbados this past weekend and thought about not wanting to get married.

I know, right?! A woman not wanting to get married? Mind blown.

Obviously I questioned whether that’s how I really feel or whether it’s my way of facing the reality of being single at forty. Maybe a touch of denial? Possibly, but it’s been a thought I’ve had for a while and seems to grow with each day, interaction and relationship.

I thought about that horrible feeling of being trapped when you know you ‘can’t’ go anywhere else and the drama that usually ensues. In contrast I thought about how easy it is to love someone for a lifetime even when you don’t see or speak to them for years. I thought about how a real connection with someone goes beyond space, time or even a signed contract.

Of course doing life with another person and enjoying companionship is different and something I’m sure we would all love to experience - maybe there’s someone I might one day do that with, but why does it have to fit in to the law of marriage? Why can’t it exist in the freedom of simply being.

As a Christian I was led to believe that marriage was the ultimate demonstration and act of love and commitment, not just to another human being, but to God. However, that all changed when I read my Bible and saw that Adam and Eve didn’t have a big wedding or sign any papers to proclaim a lifetime commitment to one another, they were simply naked and unashamed in the presence of God, doing life together each day. That was until the serpent arrived on the scene to mess things up.

I remember a prophet telling me I would remain single for the rest of my life. I didn’t want to receive it because to me at the time, being unmarried meant rejection, loneliness and ultimately confirmed that I wasn’t good enough to be loved. But today I understand:

Love is the ocean while marriage is a glass of water; marriage contains love but there’s so much more to love than what fits into a glass.

I watched the sunset and started to write…

My heart had been broken and I ran in search of healing. I ran and ran and ran. I searched different continents, different people and came right back to where I started, only to realise that my heart had never been broken, it had just been expanded to a realm I couldn’t manage emotionally. I’d experienced something that surpassed what my mind could fathom and my running had taught me how to sit, be still and feel safe in it.

The sun sets behind the sea, creating a beautiful glow and reminds me that there’ll come a time when I can’t see it or feel it’s warmth, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there. Maybe tomorrow it’ll reappear … or maybe it won’t. Either way, I’ve been fortunate to enjoy it today and for that I’m grateful.

The freedom of life and love is to enjoy the moment without clinging and strangling it to death. Allow it to be, allow it to flow like the waves of the ocean - that, my darlings, is the love I believe I was born to experience.

How many To-Do lists do you have?

I have two - my ‘need to do-list’ and my ‘if I only had x number of days/weeks/months to live list’.

One keeps me on track with day to day things I need to do regardless of how I feel, the other keeps me on track to be present and ensure that I’m living a life that prioritises those things that are most important to me.

In July 2021, I felt unhappiness on a level I hadn’t faced before. I knew I had the power to start a new chapter of my life story but didn’t quite know what that would look like. I saw a TikTok video of a man asking this question:

“If this was the last year you had to live, what would you do?”

I thought about what I’d do if the last day I had to live was my 40th birthday the following year and without hesitation I wrote down the following:

• Leave my job

• Spend Christmas with my brother (who I hadn’t seen since 2019)

• Go back to the Cayman Islands

• Spend my Mum’s birthday with her

• Spend my 40th birthday in Cayman

It might sound morbid and there were definitely many other things on my ‘need to-do list’, but I wrote these five things down in seconds - my heart knew instinctively what was important to me in the short term and by my 40th birthday I’d done it all.

I write lists all the time

Two weeks ago I wrote an ‘if I only had until the end of the year to live, what would I do’ list and I’ve done all except one thing on that list (as soon as I finish writing this, I’m going to get that final thing done too!)

It’s unrealistic to live completely for today with no thought for tomorrow or the future at all, but remember that the only time we have is right now and the best time to do those things that are important to us, is now.

What if 2023 was the last year you had, would that make a difference to the things you prioritise?

I’ve written my 2023 lists but still committed to living and enjoying these last few days of 2022.

Hugs xx

The Self-Love Photo Challenge

It’s easy to say “Love yourself” but sometimes words of affirmation aren’t enough. Sometimes you need evidence, sometimes you need to look back at who you’ve been, especially when things weren’t easy, and remind yourself of the greatness that lives within you. It’s important to look at all the things you can love about yourself.

That’s what my photo challenge is about; closing out 2022 with the gathering of evidence to support the love I have to pour out on myself and celebrate who I am, unapologetically, going forward in to 2023.

Self-love means giving myself permission to express my thoughts, experience and humanity in the crazy, messy, unstructured and often misunderstood way that is me. It means making health and family a priority and continuing to live from a place of rest, joy and peace.

I share this challenge publicly, not for validation or likes, but as an example for other to follow if, like me, self-love doesn’t come easy.

This is Why I Write

I used to write because I found safety in the silence of the written word. I was that child who had a diary with a key. I wrote about my thoughts and feelings which I believed were bad and wrong, so writing secretly helped me to release the pressure that these were creating in my mind.

By the time I was seven years old I already felt like a bad person who was unloveable. Ironically I also felt like I didn’t belong in this world but was trapped and stuck here for punishment. Writing helped me to survive what felt like hell and to express myself without fear of getting in to trouble.

I said what people wanted to hear, but kept what I really thought and felt until I could release it through a pen on to paper.

I’m older now, I’ve grown, I’ve faced the fear of sharing my writing, expressing my thoughts and feelings and speaking honestly and authentically. But with a lifetime of training, writing still holds the safe space where I feel freer than anywhere else to make sense of what often feels like a blurry mess in my mind.

So I write. Not to sell books or influence people, but to understand myself and this life experience much better.

Why do I think my writing resonates with others?

Because at our core I believe we’re all on a quest to reconnect with and understand ourselves better. I also believe that whilst we are all individuals, uniquely made, the spirit within us is one and connected. Therefore, when I connect and express my deep truth, it reminds others of who they really are too.

So I write. For me, for you, for us. So we can all give this world what it needs: more of us showing up authentically and unapologetically … free to simply be.

It's PreSeason Time

It’s the first of December and I’d normally either already be in the Cayman Islands or getting ready to go. For the last six years December has been my month of rest - where I escape to the sunshine and swing in my hammock for hours on end.

This year is very different; my flying roster is full and rest has become a core part of my very being - doing everything from a place of rest rather than needing to physically remove myself from my every day, to experience it.

So now things have changed, what does December 2022 mean for me?

Well, it’s my PRESEASON.

It’s the month where I prepare for the new year; where I reflect, review and realign with my short and long term goals; where I put practices and behaviours in to motion as a way to build momentum heading in to the new year.

I’ve learned enough over the years to refrain from making specific plans (afterall, I never imagined 2022 would lead me to the job I’d dreamed of doing) and instead, focus more on how I want to be, what I want to experience and how I want to feel.

I met with my mentor yesterday and was beating myself up a bit about being an author who doesn’t write. She knows I write, so corrected me; I write a lot, I just don’t share regularly. I had to rephrase what I was saying and agreed to make that one of my preseason practices - to share more of what I write.

Let’s see how I do. (no pressure)

And what about you?

You have 31 days until 2023 comes knocking, why not lay the foundation and get the momentum going now? When you wake up on Jan 1st, or in my case land back from an overnight flight, you’ll already be ahead of the game! ;)

Hugs xx

Writing is Risky

Out the starting blocks of this musing, I have to let you know that I’m writing just a few hours after being unfriended by someone on social media. I vaguely remember her as a team leader while I was at Hillsong NYC but as was protocol in those days, you connected, friended and followed social media with everyone you met, taking the ‘friend’ title to its loosest definition.

Before you ask, I really don’t care about being unfriended or blocked by anyone, especially someone I can barely remember. However, I’d be lying if I said this didn’t bother me in other ways.

That might sound contradictory but hear me out; I don’t need to be her friend but her act of unfriending me because I sought clarification and then disagreed with something she wrote, bothered me, especially as she claims in her work to be about conflict resolution and peacemaking (You know how I feel about hypocrisy).

I recorded a video to express how I felt, I wrote how I felt, I felt how I felt, and then?

Then, I kept it all to myself.

I’ve realised how risky it has become to have an opinion or perspective of your own that is contrary to someone else’s. It’s no longer okay to have a difficult conversation or disagreement that is rooted in mutual respect and a genuine desire to understand a perspective that is different to your own.

Defensiveness is rife. Offense abounds. And the idea that if you don’t agree and validate everything I say, then you’re a troll, hater or blocked is … saddening. But I guess it’s the easy go-to response for anyone with an individualised thought.

I see a lot on social media that I scroll past without comment and whenever I do say anything it’s usually because I either believe the person is someone I could respectfully talk to or that I feel personally motivated to express myself. However, in recent times, that’s not turned out how I expected.

It makes me question writing. It makes me evaluate how I feel about writing. I don’t write superficially, nor do I write based on what I think people want to hear or on trends and buzz words. I write what I think and feel and how I see things, which can be very different to the people around me.

In my eyes, that’s okay. There’s room for us all to have our view. But it seems the safe way to maintain friendships and connections is to either say what others want to hear or keep your mouth shut.

That’s just not me.

If that’s the requirement then there’s no friendship or connection to be maintained - infact, thank you. Thank you for showing me who you really are and why I’m blessed to be freed.

I don’t speak as someone who hasn’t put this to the test. Not long ago someone made a comment on my post that angered me, frustrated me and I didn’t agree with. I didn’t block him, he didn’t block me, we actually arranged a call, me in London and him in Australia. We talked. We expressed. We laughed. We caught up. We gained understanding. We realised that although our perspectives and opinions were different, we could listen to and learn from one another. We realised that while we saw things differently, we were deep down the same - human beings, trying to make sense of the world around us and the individual experience we’re having.

A coward retreats from such conversations.

As I close … a message to my unfriend and anyone it applies to … please don’t call yourself an activist, tell me you teach diversity and inclusion or talk on black matters in your posts if you’re unwilling to engage with or listen to a Black perspective that is different to yours. Just because you’re black too, doesn’t give you authority on my Black experience or mean that your words will always reflect my perspective. I could have discussed the difference, but your inability to understanding, feels very similar to the very systems, structures and cultures you say you stand against that try to shut you up. Here’s hoping you don’t become the very thing you bang on about dismantling.

Ukraine: The Elephant in the Room

Last weekend, my Mum and I baked cupcakes, muffins and brownies for a bake sale fundraiser to support the Cayman Island’s Red Cross Ukraine Appeal. It was a community effort on a tiny island in the Caribbean to do our bit to help and support people suffering the effects of war and having to leave their homes.

For most of us who were baking, it’s impossible to imagine what that must be like or the tough road that lies ahead to rebuild lives and country. However, as I whisked eggs, filled cupcake cases and waited for the end result, I couldn’t ignore the elephant in the room; the question that was running laps in my mind…

Should I be supporting this appeal? Me. A Black Woman.

I couldn’t help wondering … would all this baking be happening with such fervency if this was an African rather than a European country? Should I be supporting a fundraiser for a people who, in the midst of war, losing everything and calling on outsiders to help them, still found the strength and had the audacity to discriminate against Black people? Am I meant to ignore the comments on social media refuting the issue of race in these events at all?

Hmmm … I faced a dilemma.

Now, I must say, that for the sake of my mental health, I don’t watch or read the news often, so I’m not here to go in to the whys and wherefores of the whole discrimination, violence and racism that certain groups of refugees experienced trying to leave Ukraine. However, I can’t ignore how it made me feel to hear about and see video evidence of said discrimination.

How dare you!!

I took a breath.

Racism aside - because frankly when you live in non-white skin, that’s just part of everyday life - the hypocrisy is mind blowing. How do you ask for help in one breath and still turn to your neighbour and refuse them the same help because they’re of a different ethnic background/race/colour? It makes no sense to me. It angers me. It makes me want to dash the cupcakes over the balcony in protest.

It demonstrates the ugly side of humanity and I have to process that truthfully.

I’m not just tired of racism, I’m tired of hypocrisy. Because let’s not forget that there were people from the Black LGBTQ+ community who felt threatened amongst their own Black people during the Black Lives Matter protests. Make it make sense.

As people, we want to be seen, accepted and supported for who we are, yet it seems hard for us to offer that to others. That, my friends, is hypocrisy.

I’ve long accepted that I can’t change how others behave, I can only be the change I want to see.

So I baked.

Not because I believe that people who look like me will benefit from a single cent of anything that was raised at that bake sale, but because I refuse to allow my heart to be tainted by the behaviours of others. You see, experience has taught me that every time I’ve had to choose to move from a genuine, pure heart, in response to behaviours that didn’t ‘deserve’ it, I experienced more peace and rest in my soul. And when all’s said and done, I want to lay down at night and experience the peace that comes from being me, true to my heart, rather than being a reflection of the crazy that exists in this world.

I must also remember that leaders, systems and individuals do not represent an entire population.

The elephant in the room is usually that thing we don’t talk about because it makes us and others feel uncomfortable, but we need to get comfortable with the uncomfortable - why? Well, because it’s the truth that makes us free and the elephant is usually the thing that when ignored, sustains the illusion that all is well, when actually, it’s not.

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Starting from Experience at 40

It’s my birthday today and it’s the big 4-0.

Can you believe it? I’ve been doing this human experience thing for forty years! Jaws drop when people find out my age and I can’t say I’m any less surprised than them; where did the years go and how did I get here?

I’ve thought about this day for a while, a good couple of years actually. I’ve wondered what it was going to mean, how I was going to celebrate and what I hoped to achieve as I entered a new decade of my life and crossed the line in to what I believed was going to feel like proper grown-up-hood.

Truth is, yes I’m grown, but I don’t feel as grown as I imagined I would at this age. Surely I was meant to be settled and sorted by now? Wasn’t I meant to achieve all that I’d been believing and dreaming for during my teens and twenties? Shouldn’t I be planning for retirement? It’s crazy to think that my ancient teachers at school were probably younger than I am now. Sorry Mrs Nurse!

Far from feeling finished or ready for the scrap heap, I feel like I’m just starting… but not from scratch.

Life hit me with some hard lessons but I hold many fond memories that have become golden. Sometimes it feels like time is running away without me, but I acknowledge the beauty of growth and maturity rather than resent or resist the ageing process. And by ageing, I mean the slow tick tock (not TikTok) of those numbers that have now flicked to four zero. The famous ‘They’, say that age is nothing but a number, but let’s be real, it kind of is more than a number, isn’t it? There’s something to be said for those 14600 days that I’ve lived, there has to be.

Maybe it just doesn’t look the way we’re taught or expect it should.

Yes, the ‘settled and sorted’ may have slipped by me without so much as a polite “hello”, but what landed firmly in my lap was the understanding that growing up and getting older isn’t about having everything I want and ticking accomplishments off a bucket list. Being grown and growing up is about gaining wisdom through experiences, that when applied, bring about peace and rest in every area of life.

That, my friends, changes everything; in the seen and unseen.

I see the value in the experience of my youth; the necessity of mountains, valleys and everything in between. But I can’t ignore or overlook what that experience taught me and who I’ve become as a result. I’ve learned that chasing leads to nothing, while surrendering to the present attracts everything; possibly the lesson that’s brought the most peace in to my life. I continue to humbly embrace it as I’m strengthened to carry the torch forward as a youth of the generations that have gone before me.

Just five years ago, in a place of fear, emptiness and loneliness after my Gran passed away and my faith evolved beyond religion, I couldn’t imagine being and experiencing the peace I have now. I didn’t believe I had the strength to make decisions that served me and I lacked trust in my ability to take care of myself. But here I am. Forty and doing it.

Inspired by Snoop …

"I wanna thank … Me.

I wanna thank me for believing in me,

I wanna thank me for doing all this hard work,

I wanna thank me for having no days off,

I wanna thank me for never quitting,

I wanna thank me for always being a giver and trying to give more than I receive,

I wanna thank me for trying to do more right than wrong,

I wanna thank me for just being me at all times,

Anny, you a bad motherf***er girl”

I’m here today because I didn’t give up and I never stopped believing.

I’ve learned much, changed much and given much. I know what I like and what I don’t like. I’m clear about who I am and the boundaries required to look after her. I love me, I know me and at forty, I couldn’t possibly write off the last forty years as if they meant nothing.

I’m 40 and no my darling, this isn’t about starting from scratch - I’m starting from experience. This milestone is just a celebration of how far I’ve come and I intend to use it as a springboard to where I’m going.

Welcome to 4.0 - my official musings. A timely addition to officiallyanny.com and a 40th birthday gift to myself.

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